Cut the crap – 1

When I get up in the morning, usually it’s this annoying sound of alarm. Three alarms that I have set on my phone. One rings at 7:50 am, second at 8:15 am and third at 8:30 am. I am obsessed with this grammatical structure that I wrote the missing “AMs” with the last two times and capitalized the one in this sentence. So much that I corrected the previous sentence when Word gave an error with green underline and I am still thinking about the word “structure” in that sentence that whether it is rightly put or not. “Composition” came to my mind as an alternate. But I really don’t care for this one at least. Let it be like his even if it is wrong. Anyways, I don’t want to search google if “anyway” is right or “anyways” is right and whether these two should be inside commas. Hell I care, because I don’t want anyone to understand what I am writing either. Why the hell this cursor frantically moves many tabs ahead – errr?

Well, anyway or anyways, whatever, I get up usually on the second alarm and I put it on snooze. I know if I don’t and if I would mistakenly touch the dismiss option, I will get late from office. But before I wake up after putting my alarm on dozens of snoozes, each of 10 minutes, I am already late. I had decided not to get late today. Hell, again the cursor moved. Let me delete these tabs already. Done! So where was I? Yes! The alarms. I get up at 9:10 am really sleepy and annoyed. I am going to washroom. Have it used, brushing my teeth and standing under cold shower and all. I am washing my hair with soap instead of shampoo because every day I have been forgetting to buy a new one. But my hair are getting better and lively with this soap or is it an excuse, am I just trying to satisfy myself? Well, whatever! I decide not to take breakfast today because I am already late but I can’t leave the breakfast as our cook does not like the God’s blessing to be wasted and so not to hurt his faith and of course avoiding any minor conflict in my already annoying life, I will do the breakfast anyway. Besides, here the excuse is that one should not smoke with empty stomach because the chances of cancer increase this way. I had heard it from somewhere and as I did not find any evidence of scientific research against it so like everything else out there without evidence I am programmed to have faith in this one too.
I am lighting the cigarette, I will, but no, before the breakfast, after I get ready and comb my hair by applying this stupid haircream that I am thinking to change since last one year, I also grabbed my service card, that I need to show up at office gate to those fools who know me since 4 years but won’t let me in if I don’t have card. I am picking up my wristwatch, cigarettes and lighter, cellphone and my helmet, and of course will check the purse in my hip pocket. Well, that’s all. I think that I don’t need to carry my laptop with me today and I have been thinking this daily since last 5 months when I stopped taking my laptop to office as my office PC works fine and I don’t have time to use laptop. OK I lit the cigarette and stepped out of home, switching off all the lights as my roommate does not like the wastage of energy or may be increase in bills and I really don’t want his nagging in my already miserable life, which also reminds me of my nagging wife.
Riding my bike, saying good morning to the street watchman I would race it and will get out of the street to main highway riding towards office. In the way, I am facing these snob scoundrels on the roads who would pass by me honking horns sitting in their XLIs and Accords at 120 mph so closely that sometimes it scares the s* out of me. I will utter some swear words at them that they can never hear and I also don’t want them to hear because at this time I don’t want another conflict in my already annoying life. Sometimes, however, I would honk my horn angrily on them for disturbing me during my thought process. Don’t tell me that I am meant to just concentrate while driving or riding or whatever, I already know this. But I don’t have control on them. My mind is like a free bird shitting in every corner of the area of its approach.
Here comes my last turn to the office, avoiding all the roads that have traffic lights and I am on this last creepy and muddy road that I daily think not to take the next day. I am showing my service card to these retired armymen hired by our organization as security guards. Our top brass thinks that they are the best because they follow the orders perfectly, while I pity their programmed minds and lives. But may be their minds are better and at more peace than my stray bird. Inside the gate there are these speed signs of 40 mph and some more scoundrels holding speed cameras at the turns so I keep the speed synchronized with the limits because I don’t want another conflict in my irritating life at this moment when I am already late from office. Thanks heavens I am in parking now. Keeping my stride slow and casual like I am just wandering from one office to another and I am not late, while I am in the corridor is my another tactic to avoid another conflict in this conflicting life of mine.
Office, yes, sighs of relief but the blinking light of my office phone, I would pray; the only meditating time of mine in the whole day, that there is no call from the PA of my boss, who is this another AH out there who feels immense pleasure in leg pulling and telling my Boss that I am again late today. He is another retired armyman and he would never see if I work in the lunch times or till late but would always count my 40 to 55 minutes late attendance in his marks book. This is rather a usual conflict in my already annoyed life and no matter how hard I try, I can’t avoid this one at least. PA is very sharp. He could not get a Nobel peace prize as yet in last 4 years of my job though. Anyways, or anyway, there’s none from him today. Good Heavens! Thanks God! I should thank God more often I guess.
I am seeing my mobile, will keep my cigarettes in table drawer and keys on the table. Switching on my PC I read the couple of good morning messages from the losers who send them everyday where I never replied them. But I really get worried about them when they don’t send one some day. This friend who would send this good morning message every day had his mother hospitalized and I could just send an SMS which was never replied to. I decide to call him today whenever I get a little time, I decide this every day. I am also going to send a couple of good morning messages to some friends, who also don’t bother to reply the messages. But may be some day they will miss me when I will not be sending messages. OK, lets cut the crap and get to the point, which is none anyway. I would open my daily log book and will start writing minute sheets and IONs and will return the calls and will check the papers and entertain these research students who don’t miss any chance to irritate me even on small things like how to use a pipette. I also open facebook and see dozens of notifications, a couple of messages and 1 new friend request of some unknown person, the last thing I am going to ignore so that the number of my followers keeps on increasing. I don’t know when it is about to lunch time. My colleague is there and we will be heading to the mess. He will tell me today’s important news about politics in the country and we will comment on it. He does not like my cynical opinions on religion so I avoid saying anything about religion just to avoid another conflict in my already disturbed life. It is better not to be judged by your fellow colleagues who are officially a source to reduce your loneliness. I am a rationalist and this is the most rational thing to do as far as I guess. Anyways (whatever!!), there is this third colleague joining us outside the mess. Thanks heavens my second colleague sends him sms everyday asking him to come and I have been burdened off of this duty, although when third one is more of my direct friend and also my ex-roommate but I seriously don’t like responsibilities. They are seriously annoying. He still greets me with a smile and would call me AH with a loving gesture. Although he is a pathan but I don’t doubt him a bit to be a gay because he has been my roommate and I know him through and through and I am myself a pathan and while happily return the gesture in the same way. He would do some other couple of dirty things will shaking hands and giving a greeting hug but let’s cut the crap.
Again thanks heavens there is no Haleem today in the mess. I am standing in this centrally cooled basement used as a mess and decorated by some interior designer firm. I just like the central cooling, though and for now I am just concentrated on the people ahead of me in the row on Buffet table. I don’t want to miss the Salad so I always wish there are few people ahead of me so that Salad does not finish and I don’t have to wait for the new platter to arrive. It can just happen when we reach the mess in time. For the sake of getting a peaceful and handful platter and finding a table we usually are among the firsts to arrive. When they get late its usually because of me. That day when we arrive late is usually quite annoying. Both of my colleagues would be staring at me angrily while they will be waiting for food in the line and when we don’t get a desirable sitting place and I would be really cursing myself for not being able to avoid this conflict in my already messy life. On the table the topic turns to politics again, my ex-roommate will never give his opinion but I know he realizes that I and the other are experts while he is not (or read idiots instead of experts). We will call for side orders of Kebabs and Cold Drinks and I would be thinking all we earn, is an earning for our stomachs to be filled with quality food so don’t you dare to think about mess bill while giving side order. My ex-roommate is clever, though. He would rarely give a side order and would avoid it usually on the context of having a bad throat and we would always ask him what is the problem with your throat every day while having a paid cold drink but being very good at eating free pickle. Well this one has always been a big pat on gold plated bottoms of our egos. Whatever!! Let’s cut the crap!
On return we are saying good bye to our third colleague and start talking about office politics till we reach the office after this 200 yards of walk from mess to our department. On the back of department, we would stop for a while, and I will smoke the second cigarette of my day while discussing our domestic problems now including kids, finances, career opportunities and all that bullshit. This cigarette and the thought that only 3 hours are left for being off gives me much peace, but only on the day when I don’t have to engage into some other S* waiting for me or my evening classes. On reaching office, I will again check my facebook and email and will be again putting my head into office work if it is any, otherwise just doing facebook and facebook commenting and commenting and posting and posting all the crap I think is necessary for the world to get better. But at the end I will settle on just few likes and comments by friends and feeling of being a non-conformist and being challenged by bigots out there. Such a big deal!
It’s four O’clock and there will be something miserable going to happen. There would be a sudden call of some meeting or some weirdly frantic student in my office whose thesis date is drawing near and he/she has not completed his/her experimental. I will be giving my expert advice, more nicely if it is a girl. Yeah! I know! Misogynist of me! Even when I am a crying feminist out there on facebook and all. Anyways, cut the crap!
It will always be 5:30 pm or later when I get free and shut down my PC and switch off my fan and lights and thanking God (for the third time in the day) to get rid of this oven. My boss is of the view, every year in summer, and he would excitedly tell me this that I don’t need an AC because I would be in some colder region of the world in next summer doing PhD and I always fell into the trap. It’s always 35+ degrees in summer in my office. Hence, now you can better guess the reason of my all madness uttered above. Anyways! Cut the crap because it is just the half day of one of the days of my creepy life.
– End of 1st part of the Rant

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